This is another installment in the "undivorced" series.
Last Saturday I spent the entire day with my two kids without Yael, my wife, who was away.
As I was planning our day I remembered Harry Browne's ideas and tried to see each of us (me, 10 y/o Tom and 4 y/o Yara) as we actually are - without any expectation that either of us will change, adapt to the needs to the others, compromise, or be unhappy in any way to make others happy.
I listed everything each of us liked and disliked and tried to find things we could do in common that wouldn't require sacrifice or coercion. It was a difficult exercise. There was, to my dismay, very little in common. I really don't connect easily with little kids, even if they are my own. I do love them and appreciate them, but I'm not quite sure what that word even means if I don't actually want to spend that much time playing with them.
I love reading, thinking, deep conversations, hiking, and I love my work (marketing, teaching and coaching) but none of these things resonate with either of them (obviously). And I love to spend time by myself in my own world which doesn't vibe that well with the incessant "daddy come play with me".
Tom is older and he's exceptionally deep for his age so we can have some pretty serious conversations. But his attention span is very short so while the depth can be significant, the length usually isn't. And the topics are different too - we're just not interested in the same things (again, obviously).
Browne's pretty radical philosophy is that we should only do things together that we enjoy doing together and avoid following inertia or preset rules. Mapping this onto the responsibilities of parenting is one hell of a challenge. While looking at the lists of things we liked and didn't like I suddenly realized that I was trying to hold on to the idea of "having them watch as little TV as possible" without actually believing in it.
This is Yael's point of view that she shares with a lot of modern parents, but it isn't mine. And since we have the kids on separate days (I'll write more on how this works without getting a divorce in a future post), she can have her rules and I can have mine.
By modern standards I might be an awful parent. I let them eat way too much sweets and I let them watch too much TV. But I'm really tired of attempting to conform to someone else's definition of what good parenting means. I know where and when to put the stops on mindless or addictive binging, but I also don't want to prioritize the boundaries over a good relationship with my kids.
They watched a lot of TV that day. But we also went to our favorite coffee shop for a treat, dropped by a toy store for some light shopping, and spent time at a beautiful lakeside park. It ended up a reasonably balanced day and it took no effort at all on my part.
Best part was that evening when Yara said "I watched so much Bluey and Spidey [her favorite shows] and I'm so happy!"
I was happy too.
Somehow in becoming a self-centered jerk (as what some people may call my behavior) I'm finding more happiness both for myself and for my kids.
I would be curious to read the replies of your kids to this post.
You are one hell radical thinker and taking actions after reading books (Radical Honesty) almost got us in our marriage one time. But, I love the freedom that that process bring me and the freedom in building my own relationship with them without needing to agree or conform with you. And together that will give them 2 loving parents and 2 different full perspective of parenting to grew in. And that's beautiful and way better that what we had practicing before.