On "decluttering" a marriage
This is another update on the "undivorced" concept Yael and I are exploring.
To recap, we noticed some benefits that divorced couples have - a lot more freedom and time alone to explore hobbies and interests that don't interest the partner. It costs more (two houses, two cars, two of everything!) and each of us would have to be a single parent for a week or more at a time, but when a couple gets divorced they have to do that and somehow make it work. We're thinking we can explore some of these pros and cons while still loving and getting along.
Part of this is fueled by my recent reading of How I Found Freedom, part by Yael's deep dive into co-dependence and how toxic and subversive dependent relationships can be. And we have definitely both lost some freedom and self-expression in the course of our relationship (going on 14 years now!)
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We went through some serious emotional upheavals over the last few weeks. This idea of not having each other to lean on, not being together as much, and independently follow our passions and dreams - it suddenly started to feel like we were actually separating.
One evening, Yael asked me to give her a massage. I said I didn't want to. Ouch.
Now you need to understand something about us. Yael loves massages. She used to do this professionally, she's a very embodied person, and she absolutely loves them - both giving and receiving. I, unfortunately, don't. I enjoy caressing as part of lovemaking, but not the kind of deep tissue massage that is supposed to relieve kinks and knots. Over the years with Yael I got better at giving massages, but I was always anxious about saying "no" - even occasionally. It seemed like I'd be endangering our relationship. Ouch indeed.
It was a difficult moment. We fought. We went to sleep in separate rooms. There was sadness, and anger, and disillusionment. It felt like something fundamental in our relationship was falling apart. That maybe I was - emotionally and physically - leaving.
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If you've done any sort of serious personal growth, you probably know that in order to become someone new, you need to let the old you die. Sometimes this is self induced - in therapy, with meditation, with deep introspection. More often though, this is brought about by a radical change in circumstances. Our old way of seeing the world suddenly dissolves, leaving us with a gaping hole where certainty once resided.
This holds true for relationships as well. Over the course of our marriage we've experienced a few of those profound shifts - where it seemed like the relationship we had had run its course, and we needed to reframe what we meant to each other and where we went from here. So far this has always ended with a leap in love, connection, and understanding. But the process is painful - and terrifying.
This was one such moment. A profound realization that we can survive without owing one another anything, as two separate, fully formed and fully capable individuals. Individuals with different needs, desires, views of the world, passions, interests, and ways of achieving our goals. Individuals who are free to decide what they do - and don't - want to do for each other in any given moment. We spent 14 years enmeshed, merged, even subjugated to the other's wishes and the needs of the family - completely and utterly codependent - unable to imagine our lives in any other way.
In subtle (and some not so subtle) ways, we limited each other's growth and potential. We called it love, we called it commitment, we called it responsibility. But it turns out that true responsibility, true ownership, is first and foremost about being honest with ourselves about what we want and need. I need a lot of solo time, extensive intellectual stimulation, copious amounts of time for my work, and very few people around me. Yael needs to dance every day and express her sexuality through that. She needs a lot of people in her life (including other men), and extensive spiritual and therapeutic studies.
If we want our relationship and our lives to flourish, we need to first acknowledge these truths about ourselves, acknowledge our differences. Only then we can look at our other responsibilities - to our kids, to each other, to society at large, and see how (and how much) we want to fit in.
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Imagine decluttering your closet.
If you examine each piece of clothing to see if you need it, you probably won't get far - there's always a sense of attachment to something that's been there for a while. But if you take all the clothes out and only put back the things that you want to keep - you'll experience a shift of perspective and usually end up with less than a third of what you had before.
The difference between "do I want to let this go" vs. "do I want to keep it" is very stark.
We can apply the same principles to "decluttering" a marriage - or any relationship for that matter. We start with a hypothetical blank slate - as if there was no relationship at all. Living separately, having no contact with each other, fully disentangled finances, no child visitation rights or parenting responsibilities - fully divorced - from the marriage, from parenting, from the relationship. Living where we want to, doing whatever we want to, whoever we want to do it with. Since this is hypothetical, we can imagine each of us having that level of freedom even if it might seem impossible in reality.
And now we start putting things back in - slowly, gradually, paying close attention to things we actually want to put back into our lives vs. things we feel we can't avoid because we have responsibilities. We start with the things that we want for ourselves. Things the other might not agree to. Starting from a blank slate, we don't need permission, approval, or even appreciation. We are free to choose what we want for ourselves. We then add things we want to do with each other, then with the kids, then as a whole family, then with the extended family and the community.
In many cases the things that we want require more financial resources than we currently have. That's a wrinkle, and it's a big one. But as Harry Browne (my current favorite philosopher) and Kyle Cease (Yael's current favorite) point out - the more freedom we can bring into our lives, the more financial abundance we can create. And since each of us has a business, it is easy to see that the more space, freedom, and creativity we unlock, the more money we'll be making.
This is undoubtedly a leap of faith. One of many that we've made in our lives. I'm not sure where this will leads us, but that's kind of the point.
Into the unknown!
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We're doing a longer experiment and booked an AirBnb for two whole weeks. I'm here this week and Yael is going to be here for the week after that. And I miss them. Not all the time, but some of the time. I didn't expect that. Last time I spend a week here I didn't miss them at all - if anything I wanted my solo time to continue. It's as if I had my "solo" bucket was so completely drained I couldn't see that it could ever be filled. But it can. And now, while I see that I absolutely do have a need for a lot of solo time, the need isn't bottomless - just important.
I'm happy we're doing these experiments. Because an actual divorce can't be taken back. But testing and experimenting and reflecting like this - this is wonderful. Last night I told Yael that I want to live at home. She said "Come home!"
It was a very emotional moment.
I think the plan of using our basement suite as a space to retreat to when either I or Yael need some time alone will work out.
I think all of this will work out.
♥️🙏